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Hey! Mike Kinsley! STFU!

Hey there Mr. off-key Michael Kinsley! Yeah! I'm talking to you. I just read your last column in the Washington Post. Yeah. I read the whole fucking thing. Now I'm telling you to shut the fuck up about the Star Spangled Banner.

It must be a pretty fucking slow news day for you to choose to write a whole column about how our national anthem is pretty much unsingable (in your fucking opinion). I have never heard you sing the Star Spangled Banner. But I bet you mutter along as best you can. Can I sing all the high notes? Nope. Do I try? Yup. Every fucking time. It is the national anthem after all.

I suppose I should lay out some of my beefs with your column. First off, the only portion of the poem "The Star Spangled Banner" that is the national anthem is the first stanza. All the subsequent stanzas (including the penultimate verse you reference) are part of the poem but not part of the anthem. You apparently aren't up to speed on that one.

Secondly, the songs you suggest as possible replacements are, for the most part, whimpy tunes that lamely describe the physical beauty of our nation. This is not to say that our nation isn't physically beautiful. It most surely is. But pretty much every country in the world has a song (or two) about how beautiful their fucking country is. Why would we want to lump ourselves in with everyone else on the fucking planet?

Thirdly, the only vaugely acceptable song of the ones you mentioned as a replacement is the "Battle Hymn of the Republic." I was born and raised in Virginia. I love the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I wouldn't mind all three verses being made into the National Anthem.

Lastly, I realize you are a liberal guy and all... So I can understand why you don't like the military or religious overtones of the Star Spangled Banner (and Battle Hymn of the Republic). And furthermore, I suppose your liberalism (like President Obama's) is the driving force behind this crusade against the Star Spangled Banner. You want to make it easier for people. Just like many of your positions and policies that purport to make life "easier" they really are just making people fucking soft.

Riddle me this? Do you know why we sing the Star Spangled Banner? Because it is hard. And last time I checked real Americans do things not because they are easy; but because they hard.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuckety fucking fuck.

A national fucking sales tax? A fucking White House Office of Social Innovation? Supreme Court Justice Sotomayer? China shorting fucking T-bills? An economy losing 16,000 jobs a day since February?

When the fuck did I die, and what the fuck did I do wrong, to wake up in this fucking Orwellian hell? I wouldn't wish this hell on Charles Fucking Manson.

UPDATE: OUT OF MY COLD DEAD FUCKING HANDS!

Fuck Fred Malek

You want to know what's wrong with the Republican Party? Three words. Fred Fucking Malek:

Fred Malek, a heavyweight Republican fundraiser and kingmaker, has singled out former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney as the GOP’s leading contender in the early stages of the 2012 Republican presidential derby.
In a largely unnoticed post to his blog late last week, Malek, a wealthy businessman who served as national finance co-chair of John McCain's 2008 presidential campaign, ranked Romney No. 1 on a list of influential Republicans "who might both lead our party back and who might be our nominee in 2012."

Given that fucking Fred Malek backed The Fucking Loser, his endorsement is the kiss of death to Romney 2012, as far as I'm concerned. And notice at No. 5 on Fucking Fred's list his praise for "emerging GOP Senate candidates in blue states," including Charlie Fucking Crist.

These idiot "heavyweight Republican kingmakers" couldn't buy a clue if you gave 'em a 50% discount.

Headline in the Washington Post:

Fred Malek's Career Spans Nixon to McCain

Pretty much says it all, doesn't it?

Our civic duty to Meghan McCain

While I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, I've just figgered out why Meghan McCain has been so accommodating to the Log Cabin Boyz: she's never been around a real man.

While I'm not much into psychobabble, a strong masculine paternal influence is important to the development of any child.

Meghan grew up watching her dad suck off liberal dicks. One of her earlier influences was watching her dad choke on a big mouthful of Russ Feingold. Her dad also seemed to enjoy Ted Kennedy's throaty, whiskey flavor.

"I have a lot of respect for Sen. Specter," Meghan recently wrote in an article where she was unable to either swallow or spit out the obvious words "RINO no more."

Instead of criticizing poor Meghan, we should realize that she had no control over her environment as a child and we should (it's our civic duty) do what we can to help her out now that she's an adult.

In the spirit of social responsibility, I'm rendering my services to help poor Meghan out. I'm offering a weekend in my backwoods cabin to tutor Ms. McCain in the subject of real men. Out of respect for her busy schedule, this will be a total immersion course where we will begin by immediately tackling hardcore conservative issues.

Meghan sez that the GOP is clueless about sex. I'd like to see her put her money where her mouth is. Or her mouth where...

Meghan honey, just leave a comment or trackback below so we can start the process of setting up this date. Weekends are pretty good for me, but I can talk the boss into a couple of days off for a cause such as this. I can promise that you'll be walking away from the weekend a bit gingerly, but with a deeper appreciation of issues like the first and second amendments. I can promise that when you talk about "dick" in the future, your mind won't be on Cheney or the Log Cabin Boyz.

BTW, if you are really that into the gay thang, it shouldn't prove too difficult to have another couple of women available. If you plan on wearing a skirt on your next televised appearance, you may wish to bring a pair of kneepads, too. I'm sure your dad has plenty of extras on hand.

Effing RINOs

Here's an effing conservative who makes even effing conservatives want to say WTF. The short story is that Alabama Senator Hank Erwin wants to keep beer enthusiasts in the state from being able to drink 98 of the world's 100 best beers.

Erwin has also received national publicity for blaming Hurricane Katrina on the effing sins of folks living near the Gulf Coast. Erwin also initially co-sponsored Governor Riley's major tax increase plan.

The last time I checked, Jesus turned freaking water into wine, but Erwin seems to be hellbent on ensuring that no one in Alabama is able to enjoy some of God's more enjoyable creations.

When at war, one generally respects the enemy and treats him well in a P.O.W. camp. When Obama and the Dems try to lift my wallet, I get pissed. But it's their nature, and they proudly wear their Marxist uniforms.

When a so-called Republican tries to lift my wallet and steal my beer, I take special eff-words out of reserve to use on this lowest form of vermin. A tax-loving, beer-hating Republican is a traitor, similar to Benedict Arnold and Arlen Specter. The last time I checked, treason is still a shooting-squad offense.

WWJD?

From Matthew 21:18-22 (King James Version)

For those conservatives who have issues swearing.

18Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered.

19And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.

20And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away!

21Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

22And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

I tried not to parse the passage by taking it out of context. But I think it's pretty clear what happened. A time for everything under the sun.